Rain

The other day it was raining. I enjoy a nice steady rain. Usually a rain that like that is a challenge to me, a challenge to go run. But not that day. That day all I could do is look at it from the inside of my house. It did get me thinking about how I ended up sitting there watching the rain instead of going out for a run.

It was mid July. I was training for an Ironman and it was going pretty good. I was really starting to hit my stride. I was proud of myself and how far I had come in the last six months. Because the kids were not in school I usually ran at night after they went to bed. No biggie since we have plenty of places to run with sidewalks. That night I was heading out on my twenty mile long run. I had already decided I was going to enjoy the out and back before my first step. For me it is nothing unusual to fight the first few miles until I settle in but that night it seemed I was fighting it longer than I normally do. Then at the turnaround it hit me. I can't run anymore! My legs were fine, my heart rate was fine, and I had been drinking. What was wrong with me? I tried to get going but no go so I sat down thinking maybe I just needed to rest for a few minutes and take in some gel. After a rest I thought I would try again,and again, and again. Physically I was fine. I wasn't bonking. But my head just was not in the game so I walked the ten miles home in the middle of the night wondering what had just happened.

The next morning I tried to put it behind me and go for a swim. Next to running I have to say swimming  is one of my favorite things in the world and a nice 2500 yards was on the menu. The kids like the gym so we loaded up and went as soon as we could. After a couple of hundred yards I guess the night before was not behind me. Now I can't swim! All I could do is dry off and sit on a bench for an hour. What was wrong?

I know what your thinking-over training, burnout. Well that was my first thought. But after an evening reading everything I can about it it just didn't fit it. For me this was worst than any injury.

So for the next few day I mull around sinking deeper and deeper. I had decided to just give up. My friend had called to see how I was doing and to talk about the vacation he had just gotten back from the day before. First just let me say I have great friends. Not only do we share a passion for the same things but they a good people too. I tell him everything. I apologize for letting him down. I felt so bad for letting my friends down. By then I had stared figuring out what was wrong. My life was in the crapper and all the junk in my head was weighting me down and he knew it.

I've always been sensitive about making sure my passions didn't overtake time from my family. I ran at night. The kids liked the gym so that was good and if I need to I could ride my bike on the trainer. I made sure all my work at home was kept up. Most of my training was done during the week so the weekends were free. My friends were behind 100% and were the best cheerleaders in the world.

With all that I had going for me the decision to quit had come down to a couple of lousy sentences from the one person in the world you always hoped would be in your corner. We had gone to by shoes and when we checked out my name has a membership next to it that gives me a discount. The sentences " Why is that on there? Your not an ultrarunner or a trail runner." That was the whisper that  caused  the avalanche that told my mind to give, it just wasn't worth it anymore.

More to come.....

Hope this works!

I don't know why I'm doing this-well I do know. I'm hoping this is a place for me to talk about one of the things I love most-running. And through running I can get my sanity back. More to come.